I have been wanting to do this for sooooo long! Had done it several times ‘life-before-kids’… But never as a M.O.M. What am I talking about? Undertaking a “SPEAKING FAST”. Consciously, willingly, giving up the use of talking- temporarily. Still communicating, but solely through the use of writing, body language, eye contact, hand signals, touch, and the occasional “Hmmm”, laughter, or other little vocalised sounds which are used in place of actual words. It is quite a dance, an impromptu choreography between my intention and another’s perception. When we are ‘in sync’, it is magical. If not, it can be awkward, frustrating and there is a sense of urgency on my part as if I do not wish to try anyone’s patience, let alone my own.
For example, when in a checkout line, or any situation where time is of the essence, I notice I am used to being swift and efficient in most interactions regardless of the complexity. So now, without the use of my words, I feel panic if I seem to be ‘taking too long’. It’s as if I unconsciously allot myself a certain amount of time to do things, and if it takes me longer that that, I somehow feel I am taking ‘more than my share’…Where does THAT come from? I shall put this up to inquiry…
I recall once, while in a weekend workshop, one of the exercises revealed something to me that was startling and deeply unsettling. From among about 200 people, we were asked to go up onto the stage/platform where the facilitator was, one row at a time. I was in the first row so went up first. While we waited for our next instruction, I soon became incredibly uncomfortable standing up there in front of the rest of the group in silence.
If I had been assigned a task, anything at all, I would have been fine. But just standing up there in SILENCE was intolerable. The facilitator looked at us. The group did too. But no one said a word. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds. What was going on? Why won’t anyone say something. SOMETHING. ANYONE! I started to laugh. Hysterically and uncontrollably. Even this embarrassing outburst was better than the silence. Without the use of my words, I felt absolutely helpless and terrified.
The facilitator said “It’s OK, just notice. It’s part of it.” I had no idea which “it” my Judas laughter was a part of, but what I did know for sure was if the floor opened up and swallowed me whole I would have been grateful! After about what seemed like an hour of this torture though in reality was probably only 5 or 6 minutes, it was finally over. The facilitator directed us back to our seats and that was the end of the exercise. Why the other rows didn’t have to suffer this humiliation, or if there was supposed to be more to this exercise than that, I don’t know. I was sooooo glad it was over!
As far as what I was meant to learn from it went, I wasn’t really sure because I was so taken aback by my reaction to it. I’m not much of a laugher at the best of times, so this was strange…Until a night or two later the meaning became very clear in the obvious symbolism of a dream I had- rather, a nightmare. I dreamt two hands covered in black gloves appeared out of the blue, and were covering my mouth so I couldn’t make a sound! I woke up screaming! I knew this dream was the meaning behind the exercise and my laughing fit. I realised I had a fear of NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPRESS MYSELF- VERBALLY!
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing,” said the uber-stellar Helen Keller. So for me, I am here to live, to break free from the confines of my ‘comfort zones’, whenever I find them, and push the envelope! I just cannot be complacent about my time here…probably one of the biggest gifts that came out of losing my mom so early in life.
For one who LOVES to share, communicate, motivate, and have influence, taking the time to let everything just drop for a week, feels scary, exhilarating, and non-negotiable. I know this is going to be very challenging not only for me but perhaps for my boys…although today being the end of day, it went really well. In fact, everyone is sooooo cooperative and enthusiastic and helpful- running to get a pen and paper if they can’t make out my gestures, and it is so touching to see my older son Landon patiently assist Liam with reading my notes. Luke says this is fascinating and he wants to do it too, but can’t because of work. I feel a little like when you are submerged on a scuba dive and it is all quiet and expansive… and very peaceful.
I shall let you know how things went on my next post!
Bless! Shannon
