Today I felt like I was feeding my son to the wolves. He was invited to a birthday party and those are always a breeding ground for his typical social and emotional problems. Life with a child within the autism spectrum is never easy, even if on the ‘milder end.’ Some of these events can be pure chaos and that is difficult, at the very least, for him.
He is old enough (7 and in the second grade) that these parties no longer include parents. It is a fine line to live on; being a concerned (and hopefully not overprotective) parent, or letting them out to experience the world with hopes for the best. I know how to best handle a stressful situation for him and can see when it is about to happen. Knowing that I can’t be there to guide him in a very uncontrolled environment is scary for me.
So, in reminding myself of two great pieces of advice my sister gave me long ago: 1. They (our children) will never be able to rise to the occasion if you don’t give them the opportunity to try, AND 2. They are capable of more than we give them credit for, I prepared a backpack with food and drink, the friend’s gift, and he was on his way.
We walked to the party and as I let him go through the door I said a silent prayer that all would go well, for both him and the other kids! With his problems interacting with other kids socially, he is an easy target for teasing and bullying. Thankfully we live in a very small Austrian town and the entire first and second grade class combined is only 9 kids and he doesn’t have to deal with much more than one mean kid that doesn’t get along with anyone. I can’t imagine what it would be like in a larger school setting.
He has an amazingly friendly and outgoing personality. He has never, at any age, known a stranger. He will talk to anyone, yet that is part of the problem. Talking too much, too loud, not giving personal space, talking about things that people start to tune out…he tries so hard and still doesn’t get so many of the typical social clues that people learn naturally. We literally have to practice with him on how to greet people, how to say goodbye, and how to talk with someone without overwhelming them, just to name a few.
So, back to the party. I let him go in, telling him to have a good time, and mentally thinking that I hope he thinks about his interactions with others and doesn’t get over-excited in the midst of the party fun.
That is just the first part. The second issue we deal with now is that he also eats different from everyone else since making the dietary changes. I would much rather choose this natural alternative than drugging my child, but it is him that has to deal with the social issues. Would he enjoy this party or be upset that he couldn’t fully participate (i.e. chow down on the junk with the rest of them)?
Remember that backpack full of food I sent? We simply tell the other parent that he has allergies and that he will be bringing his own food. It contained a bottle of fresh-made strawberry lemonade, a couple of apples, two raw ‘cupcakes’ (a.k.a. Ani Phyo’s donut holes in cupcake form topped with coconut ‘icing’), and a dark-chocolate covered rice cake. The rice cake was his special treat (non raw) that still fits our gluten free vegan diet. (The kids are very high raw but still have some cooked occasionally if it meets the other criteria!)
The offerings at the party? Hot dogs, French fries (which we don’t do even though they are vegan and gluten-free!), soda, cake and candy galore. I didn’t expect much more since it is typical party fare, but when I hear about these situations, it makes me realize just how far we’ve come.
Just how far has my son come? Well, after asking how the party was, he said he had lots of fun and no one bothered him. He is always quick to let me know if he has a difficult time with someone. That alone was good enough for me! Upon arriving home, I noticed he was louder than usual (if that’s possible!), but he quickly quieted down after I reminded him we needed to use our ‘inside voice.’ Without the diet changes, it was almost impossible for him to control how loud he was.
As for the food, he ate what I gave him, even sharing some with another boy who wanted to try some, and was happy. He could care less about what they ate. He was there for the fun, and he had it! This is the first party he has been to since ‘the diet change’ and the first one he came home from without being upset over something. He even told me he would rather not eat that stuff since he knows it makes him feel bad!
He certainly did rise to the occasion and was probably more capable than I would be of being able to enjoy himself. I was too hung up on whether or not he would get teased about the food or some other issue, although I didn’t let him in on my secret stress. He was just a kid having a good time.
Now, if I could only learn from him!
I just stopped by your blog and thought I would say hello. I like your site design. Looking forward to reading more down the road.
Robert Michel
Stephani, what a beautiful story. I, too, have fears about how my girls will go when they’re older and on their own at events, but having watched them at other parties they seem naturally to head for the healthier options (usually). At their own party last year they planted themselves in front of the huge fruit platter and tucked in for a good half hour! I can only hope that my ‘training’ will help them make good decisions when they’re out there on their own. Thanks for sharing such a positive story.
Love Jo
I can imagine how hard that felt for you- My heart feeeels your concern- and it gets easier, you just have to have Faith- in this precious soul who you were chosen by to be his Guardian, and faith in the love and foundation you are providing which has a wholesome diet which is a cornerstone, and Faith in his Angels and destiny which have nothing to do with you so you can breathe deep and enjoy it all more.
I used to care for a 3 year young girl who was severely autistic- who is now a teenager, actually 21, and she has outgrown what was a devestating situation of no talking only grunts, eating bugs, not registering heat on a stove element, etc etc Oh gosh, I recal an incident where I stood on the counters and started hurling all the canned and packaged food-stuff from the kitchen cupboards (I was the live-in Nanny for this family) and told her shocked parents that they had hired me to take care of her and I was going to do that without being sabotaged by her diet which is exascerbating the problem! The father was soooo mad at that moment, but to this day, he swears I ’saved’ his daughter. Her mom STILL worries constantly about her, yet she is more outgoing and confident than her other 5 siblings! Her mom loves talking with me because I always see her daughters’ special gifts and even had her live with my family for a year when she was 19 and having issues…EVERYONE has issues, some just control/hide them better. She’s not so different when you have that perspective.
Btw, When my boys talk very loudly which is often in their excitement, I make sure I am paying attention, looking into their eyes, and smile and let them know “I can hear you, you don’t have to yell, I am listening” and they then can tune into me, which teaches them how to connect, and if they are still so out of body excited I raise my voice to match theirs and say- “WE CAN TALK WITHOUT YELLING AND STILL HEAR EACH OTHER, OK, LET’S TRY” and then I calmly demonstrate another level which is quieter.
It takes time, but it is a skill to modulate our voices to match a situation, and even if it takes a year or two to learn it, he will have it for life!
Continue your awesome commitment and enjoy your unique and lively son.
blessings!
Shannon