I don’t know about you, but the phrase “We need to talk” puts a knot in my stomach. I have never been comfortable talking out problems; in fact, even if I have been “heard”, I often feel worse for it. After reading countless books on how to improve communication and get what you want out of relationships, I had come to the most depressing conclusion; that I was just a lousy communicator and would never be able to get all that I wanted from a relationship. That is, until I came across the concept of “Spiritual Partnership”.
A wonderful book called “Why Talking is Not Enough – 8 Loving Actions that will Transform Your Marriage
Page doesn’t argue against communication, but rather that it is not enough and should not be the primary means to solving problems and achieving a satisfying relationship. There are several reasons, she asserts, that make communication less than ideal for this. First, often one partner is unable or unwilling to talk. Second, usually one partner has more highly developed communication skills than the other, so it makes for an uneven playing field to begin with. Third, many people actually have poor communication skills such as blaming, criticizing, becoming defensive, etc. which actually can harm a relationship and create more problems.
Sound familiar?? Phew – I’m not the only one!
Finally and most significantly, posits Page, often times communication has the ulterior motive of wanting to get a partner to see the errors of his or her ways and change. This, she says, never works because it does not honor your partner and instead sends the message that “you are not good enough”. The only ways you can exact change in a relationship, she says, are to change yourself, and to provide a nurturing, open, loving environment for your partner (and even then they will only change if they want to change). It is the creation of a happy and loving environment that leads to good communication, not the other way around; good communication, she says, is a goal worth striving for but should not be used to get there.
Most couples, it seems, would agree that the primary goals of a relationship are to be loving and happy - to nurture and support both individuals; to encourage intimacy and connection - not to decide, for example, who does their fair share of the housework! To always be focusing on “problems” or the negative aspects of a relationship, says Page, actually creates more distance between partners, not connection.
Taking a “spiritual” approach to relationships, however, moves one’s focus off their partner and relationship and onto their own “spiritual path”. Page defines being “spiritual” as not necessarily religious, but “to recognize your connection to the universe and to everyone and everything in it, and to strive each moment for the thoughts and actions that will increase and not decrease this connection.” This leads people from isolation to connection, moves them closer to their authentic self (and further away from their “conditioned personality”), replaces fear with love, heightens awareness, releases control, and finally, creates inner peace.
The 8 Loving Actions that will guide you along this Spiritual path in your relationships are:
• Adopt a Spirit of Good Will
• Give Up Problem-Solving
• Act As If
• Practice Restraint
• Balance Giving and Taking
• Act on Your Own
• Practice Acceptance
• Practice Compassion
Obviously I can’t go into all of these here, but if you are interested, I highly recommend Page’s books, or Gary Zukav
One Loving Action that I find particularly helpful, especially when first starting out on this new way of relating, is to “Act As If”.
You’ve heard it before: when you’re down and blue, smile anyway – it can transform your mood. Well, “Act as If” is a very similar concept. Even if you are not feeling loving or understanding, act as if you are – for example, even if you can’t stand it when your husband leaves his dirty clothes all over the floor, or if you can’t understand why he isn’t hungry for the beautiful, nutritious meal you made for dinner but devours a pint of ice cream later, act as if you aren’t bothered, as if you do understand his point of view…act how you think you should act if you are in accordance with your highest spiritual values; act out of pure love. This just may open your mind enough to where you can see his point of view and to where these things really don’t rattle you.
Of course, this takes some practice; it isn’t always easy to think before you speak! But it really works.
Moreover, your new spirit of loving and understanding may even motivate him to pick up after himself, or make him feel empowered to improve his health. Or maybe not. Either way, it sure beats arguing about it!
Ohhhhh that was goood! I’m walking, no running to get this one! Thank you Ardis xo